evolution

girl still on the mind, but weighing heavily. i am afraid that if i follow through on my thoughts then she will not talk to me or want to hang out with me anymore. i amaze myself with my pitifulness.

moving has not proved to be the inconvenience that it has been in the past. we are over halfway finished with moving our stuff out of the trailer and into the storage shed. my mind is pleasantly occupied with thoughts of a girl. there’s not much to say yet, but we shall see what the next few days brings. her birthday is upcoming, maybe i will use that as an excuse to take her out.

i have let this go for a few days, and i will have to let it go for a few days longer, as i am in the middle of a move. let the inconvenience continue.

very soon, i will be moving out of the trailer park and into an apartment very close to campus and aggieville. this is a good thing, but i do so hate the process of moving. i hate landlords and renting. my current landlady is not so bad, she is a nice lady – but she had our lease end on the 30th, so that i will have to store my stuff for a few days and stay in a hotel until the first of august, when i can move into my new place. this is proving to be a major inconvenience. then, the following weekend, we will have to move again to get into our new place.

i think i’ll sit around tonight, get drunk by myself, and think about what a loser i am.

at least that’s what i tell myself to make me believe i have a choice.

well, i had a look at the solution to my problem with one of my professors, which i posted on the 14th. it fails toward the end of the proof. any mathematics graduate student beyond his or her first year will see it immediately. it turns out that proving my claim requires more machinery than i had thought. i am frustrated that my solution doesn’t work, but i learned a lot in the process. as one progresses in mathematics, one learns that past a certain point, learning takes place entirely on one’s own. more and more of the effort of learning is pushed off onto the student from the teacher, until this idea reaches its natural fulfillment in the ph.d. thesis.

it’s supposed to be just fun
to live and die, let it be done
i figure we’ll all be damned
all alone like i began
    –pearl jam/”corduroy”

another sunday night concludes another nondescript weekend. alone because i want to be alone. thoughts and hours run together in a muddled morass of grey. my mind is already gone to another place and merely awaits the arrival of my body. and now, a poem i wrote a long time ago about just such a feeling.

merit badges

wiling away the time
whittling away my life
    alone

sitting by the creek
days turn into weeks
    alone

my sash grows heavy
from the tokens of my pain
won’t somebody carry them?
or must i bear them alone