evolution

STARGATE SG-1: INFILTRATION

[Scene: The "gate room." Soldiers are busily scurrying around, preparing for a departure. The alarm sounds, and the gate begins to rotate. Col. O'Neill (Richard Dean Anderson), Maj. Carter (Amanda Tapping), Dr. Daniel Jackson (Michael Shanks), and Teal'C (Christopher Judge) are milling about on the ramp leading to the Stargate, anticipating another routine mission. Special guest star: Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, as 'herself'...]

Sgt. Walter Harriman, on the loudspeaker: “Chevron five encoded.”

Teal’C: “O’Neill — have you any idea what we are to find on planet P3x-907?”

O’Neill: “Apparently there are still Goa’uld living on Earth, or so says DIA.”

Carter: “Sir, that’s impossible. We took out the System Lords in the last episode.”

Walter: “Chevron six encoded.”

Daniel: “I suppose anything’s possible with the Goa’uld. A symbiote could have escaped any number of times when we had them here in Cheyenne Mountain.”

Carter: “And we all know how trustworthy DIA is…”

Walter: “Chevron seven encoded.”

Gen. Hammond: “Your orders are to investigate reports that Goa’uld agents have infiltrated the U.S. government and report back within 24 hours. I want a status report through the gate before then. Alright, Jack, good luck.” [slaps O'Neill on the back]

[The Stargate opens in a flash of light, and what appears to be a blue liquid bursts forth from the ring of the gate. The liquid subsides, and the gate is bathed in a shimmering blue light. The SG-1 team steps through the gate. As soon as they do, they see Major Ingerson of SG-3, nervously holding his position in what appears to be a massive firefight near the P3X-907 gate.]

Maj. Ingerson: “We’re pinned down here with SG-5, sir! We could use some help!”

O’Neill: “What’s going on here?” [ducks incoming Goa'uld Staff Weapon™ fire]

Maj. Ingerson: “I think we found something you’ll want to see. On a wrecked Goa’uld transport ship we found this copy of USA Today.”

Daniel: “USA Today?”

Carter: [changes the clip on her T-90 assault rifle] “Uh, sir? It’s getting hairy in here!”

O’Neill: “Take your head out of Teal’C’s armpit, then. Okay folks, we’re pulling out! Everyone through the gate!”

[The SG teams run for the gate, exchanging 7.62mm and Staff Weapon™ fire. Jackson dials home, and the teams hurry through back to Earth.]

O’Neill: “Sir! You need to look at this.” [slaps copy of USA Today down on the debriefing room table]

Gen. Hammond: “Just what the hell is going on here? I need answers, people.”

Maj. Ingerson: “Sir, look at this photo of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.”

Gen. Hammond: “Yeah, what about it?”

Carter: “It’s not the original.”

Gen. Hammond: “Damn, Carter. How were you able to determine that so fast?”

Carter: “This mo-fo’s like the Batcave, Sir. One of everything. Anyway, look at the original next to the undoctored photo!”

Gen. Hammond: “Shit, piss, and Oatmeal Creme Pies! Condi Rice is a Goa’uld?”

Teal’C: “Major Carter, remove your face from beneath my arms. Hammond of Texas, restrain yourself. It gets worse.”

Daniel: “That’s right, Sir. Her people got to the USA Today editors, making them take the glow out using Photoshop!”

Gen. Hammond: “Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ with egg on his beard.”

Carter: “That’s not the worst of it, Sir. She’s in cahoots with a conservative columnist; can’t remember her name — some pushy Filipino broad. The columnist is saying that the photo of Condi with the crazy eyes is the fake, and that the ‘normal’ one is the real one!”

Gen. Hammond: “Good God in Heaven with sprinkles on top! SG-1, get down to Washington right away! I’ve got to call the President!”

[A few hours later, SG-1 arrives at Foggy Bottom. To their surprise, they are immediately waved in.]

Secretary of State Rice: “Hello, Colonel. [stands up behind her desk to shake hands with O'Neill] What can I do for you and your team?”

O’Neill: “You can start by explaining this, ‘Madame Secretary’.” [slaps down doctored photos]

Secretary Rice: [chuckling] “Oh, those. Well, it’s obviously a leftist media smear attempt against a black Republican. I mean, come on? A 13-year-old Pixy Stik snorter with Photoshop could have done that.”

Teal’C: [grabbing his Staff Weapon™] “Hear me, woman. Major Carter and Danieljackson have discovered your deception, false god.”

Secretary Rice: “Look, there must be some mistake…”

Carter: “I don’t think so.”

Secretary Rice: “Look. I know you spend long hours down in the Cheyenne Mountain complex, and that it … gets to you after a while. I can have someone come out, put in some windows, fresh foliage…”

O’Neill: “Or, you could just come with us.”

Secretary Rice: “Or, maybe you could come with me.”

Secretary Rice: [in a deep, otherworldly voice] “You shall KNEEL before your GOD!!”

[inherited from: Michelle Malkin (who I hope is a good sport), Mike's Noise, The Curt Jester. Ms. Malkin also notes that USA Today has removed the doctored photo, complete with non-apology.]

UPDATE: What’s the message in this photo doctoring? Also, more from Eric Scheie, who tries his own hand at Photoshop. Still more from Newsbusters, which is talking about photo ethics.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 at 15:41 and is filed under humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.